


Start Again

by sugarlandaddict23



Category: Pitch Perfect (Movies)
Genre: Angst, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-01
Updated: 2017-11-01
Packaged: 2019-01-28 04:17:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,245
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12597936
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sugarlandaddict23/pseuds/sugarlandaddict23
Summary: Have you ever have that friend, a friend that you couldn't be anything but yourself with? The comfort they provided, safety they gave you to be just you. Then you go and fuck it all up? Beca does. (Rated M for language)





	Start Again

**Author's Note:**

> Sometimes life imitates art...sometimes art imitates life. This is one of those...this story is based off of real life experiences. I've had this sitting on my computer unfinished for months...I couldn't sleep the other night, so I decided to finish it.
> 
> Italicized sections are flashbacks.
> 
> Bold items are written.
> 
> Lyrics are bulleted.
> 
> Songs are centered.

Have you ever have that friend, a friend that you couldn’t be anything but yourself with? The comfort they provided, safety they gave you to be just you. Then you go and fuck it all up?

Beca does. Beca had that one friend that brought out the best in her and ended up bringing out the worst in her as well. But it was Beca’s fault that the worst came out. She was insecure; she became so consumed with how she wanted things to be that she completely ruined the great thing she had in front of her.

That’s why tonight; she is sitting at her piano with a Crown and Coke in her hand, looking at the black and white keys. It’s been six month, six months of mostly radio silence, six months since she was told “we can’t be friends anymore.” Six months since the only person who really knew her, walked out of her life.

Beca doesn’t blame her because it was what needed to be done. Things had gotten complicated, things had gotten messy, and things just weren’t healthy between them anymore. It really wasn’t anyone’s fault but Beca’s, no matter how many times she was told not to blame herself, she still does.

Beca knew she had hit rock bottom before the conversation with Chloe ever took place. Beca couldn’t see past her own insecurities, her own fantasies, and couldn’t get out of her own head. Beca went to a dark place before Chloe cut all ties; she had this heavy weight on her chest that felt like she was suffocating. It wasn’t anything Chloe had done, Chloe tried to get through to Beca, tried to tell her that things between them were fine. But they weren’t. Ever since ‘that night’, nothing between them had been the same. No matter how much Beca lied to herself and told herself that they were. No matter how many times Chloe tried to reassure her. They both had cheated. How could things between them be the same?

_ “You do realize that we’ve both drunk a bottle of wine?” Chloe whined, “I don’t know how I’m going to get up for work tomorrow.” She pulled Beca away from the kitchen and into the living room. _

_ “Well, who’s fault is it that we are both drunk?” Beca plopped down on the couch beside the grinning redhead. She placed her wine glass on the coffee table and threw her feet up.  _

_ “I’m sorry,” she sheepishly said, “work was just shitty and I wasn’t planning on drinking that much.” Chloe flung herself down beside Beca and placed her glass beside the brunette’s. _

_ Beca laughed, “I know, Chlo, I’m not blaming it solely on you. I didn’t have to open the second bottle.” Beca’s head lolled back onto the couch cushions and she closed her eyes.  _

_ The two had been sitting around Beca’s apartment all night just talking. It was a typical Wednesday night for them. Jessie was working the late shift at the hospital and Tom was working graveyard with the Sheriff’s department. So the girls decided that Wednesday nights would be their night, they would go to one of their apartments, order take out and just hang out. Typically it ended up with a few too many drinks being consumed because they would just lose track of time when they were together.  _

_ Beca and Chloe had been friends for almost a year, having met through a mutual friend. They quickly bonded, immediately feeling comfortable with each other. They shared stories of how they met their respective partners. Beca having met Jessie shortly after college and married a few years later. Chloe having dated Tom since high school and they were getting married in the near future. The two never went a day without talking, whether it by text or on the phone. They were able to talk about anything and everything, nothing seemed out of bounds. They had the same celebrity crushes so they could gush over how handsome or beautiful they were.  _

_ Beca had openly told Chloe that, even though she had never had a girlfriend, she was attracted to women. Chloe had laughed and said that she had wondered what it would be like to be with a woman. So, the pair flirted, they joked with each other and they both had said that if they were ever with a woman, they would want it to be with each other.  _

_ “So, we going to watch a movie tonight or what?” Chloe inquired, breaking Beca out of her thoughts.  _

_ Beca groaned, “Ugh, Chlo, I’m not sure I will be able to make it through a movie.” _

_ Chloe got up and practically bounced to the kitchen, once she found what she was looking for, she made her way back to Beca’s living room. As she popped the cork on the bottle of Riesling, she quickly filled both of their wine glasses and placed the bottle on the table. She picked up the glasses and handed Beca’s hers and took a seat beside the shocked brunette. _

_ “Seriously, Chlo? We. Are. Drunk.” Beca said, even as she was taking a sip of the wine.  _

_ “So?” Chloe said as she too sipped from her glass. “I’m already going to be hung over tomorrow, might as well keep enjoying the vino!” She threw Beca a wink. _

_ The pair continued to work on the bottle of wine and talked more. They were back to their flirty banter by this time. So when Beca told Chloe to ‘shut up’ after a horrible joke, she wasn’t caught off guard by Chloe challenging her to ‘make me’. _

_ What she was caught off guard by was that her body was moving, seemingly of its own accord. Next thing Beca knew, she was kissing Chloe. When she realized what was going on, she pulled away. She wasn’t sure what Chloe was going to do. Had Chloe been joking? Was she serious? Had she just really screwed things up? To Beca’s surprise, Chloe didn’t run, she leaned back in and kissed Beca again.  _

_ Beca didn’t hesitate to deepen this kiss. She didn’t stop her hands from wandering up Chloe’s sides, taking her shirt with her. She didn’t protest when Chloe did the same. One thing led to another and the next thing Beca knew, they were naked and laying on the couch, kissing, touching and feeling. Beca knew they should stop, knew that even though she had thought about this numerous times before, that it was something they probably shouldn’t do. They were both with someone else.  _

_ But they didn’t stop, the alcohol flowing freely through their veins had thrown any inhibitions they had out the window. They ended up bringing each other to climax, screaming out the name of each other, not of their partners.  _

_ Chloe passed out shortly after they finished, barely making it back to the couch in a set of Beca’s shorts and t-shirt, after brushing her teeth. Beca laid in her shared bed with Jessie going over what had just happened. “Shit, shit, shit” she muttered to herself. How could she have let this happen? Beca worried that this could spell disaster for her friendship with Chloe. She finally drifted off to sleep, not even waking when Jessie came home a few hours later.  _

Beca shakes her head from the memory and places her glass on the coaster atop the piano. She found herself here most nights when Jessie was at work. Her notebook of scribbled lyrics and unfinished songs open on the piano in front of her. She would play a melody that was going through her head and see if any of the lyrics fit.

Beca pulled the notebook off the piano and began flipping through the pages, reading over lines she had written over the past year and a half. She laughed to herself at the number of marked out words and lines, the fact that the lyrics were written all over the pages, some upside down, in the margins…the pages were full of thoughts and feelings; it was almost like a lyrical journey of her life since ‘that night’.

  * _I can't move my feet; The more that I know you, the more I want to_


  * _Something inside me's changed_


  * _I didn't know that I was starving till I tasted you_


  * _Fucked around and got attached to you_


  * _Friends can break your heart too_


  * _I’m always tired; but never of you_


  * _I type a text but then I never mind that shit_


  * _I hate you, I love you, I hate that I want you_


  * _You get used to the pain and number to the sting; till you can’t feel anything_


  * _What do I gotta do? What do I gotta do to keep you?_


  * _What do I gotta do to keep you from doing this to me?_


  * _You tried to explain, but I couldn’t hear you_


  * _I don't wanna use my mouth; Don't know how to spell it out; Every time I try, it sucks_


  * _I just wish you could open me up; And see-e-e-e all the confusion; And the love, the hurt, the wrong words I'm using_


  * _Even though you don’t mean to hurt me; You keep tearing me apart_


  * _Please have mercy on me; Take it easy on my heart_


  * _You hold me without touch_


  * _You keep me without chains_


  * _You’re neither friend nor foe, though I can’t seem to let you go_


  * _Something always brings me back to you; it never takes too long_


  * _It was a crush; But I couldn’t, couldn’t get enough; But that’s all it was_


  * _It was a rush_


  * _Now I might of went and said too much_


  * _But that thing went bust; so she gave it up_


  * _I’m rough around the edges_


  * _My mind is obsessive, my flex is aggressive_


  * _I don’t mind offending, I ain’t ‘bout pretending_


  * _If we only got one night; Forget about the world outside_



Beca knew that she went to a dark place a few weeks after ‘that night’. She knew that the feelings and thoughts she was having were a tad on the obsessive side. Obsessed that this was the beginning of the end, obsessed with trying her damnedest to keep things the same. She was obsessed with the frustration of not having a way to express herself to where Chloe would understand what was going on, because most of the time, she couldn’t understand it herself. She was lost and she also knew the habits that she picked up were not healthy for her. Jessie never understood why Beca started drinking so much in the months that followed ‘that night’. Of course he wouldn’t, Beca couldn’t talk to him about what happened; that would just make everything even more complicated than they already were. She knew their strained relationship couldn’t survive this blow. So, she drank and drank a lot. Chloe never realized, or at least never said anything, that almost every time Beca talked to her, met up with her for lunch or their typical Wednesday night hang outs, that she was a sheet or two into the wind. She’d come home from the studio and do a few shots, drink a few beers or a combination of both, just to numb the voices in her head. So, when she read through the next page in her book, she knew these lyrics were written during that time, if the sloppily way the words were written weren’t an indication, the content was glaringly obvious.

  * _The more I drink the more I think about you_
  * _Oh no, no, I can’t take it_
  * _Do you think of me; of what we used to be?_
  * _Is it better now; that I’m not around?_
  * _Bottom of the bottle; to fill this empty heart up_
  * _All of these rocks I can’t swim; out of this skin I’m living in_
  * _Got a pounding on my brain; so I drown it away_
  * _When the sun comes up tomorrow you can find me doing the same_
  * _Wasted, shitfaced I wasted too much time_
  * _Trying to numb the pain, feel nothing and ease my mind_
  * _I lost myself at the bottom of a bottle_
  * _I was self-medicated heavily sedated, understand that I hated every last part of who I was, who I was, or who I’d become_
  * _I found solace, staring soul-less, at the bottom of a bottle_



When Beca turned the page, she smiled as she read over the next few pages of scribbled lyrics. She knew she had hit a turning point when these were written. About a month before Chloe left Beca’s life, she convinced Beca to go to therapy and it was helping. She hadn’t been but a time or two when she wrote these lyrics, but she could tell that the sessions were going to be helpful, they already where. The proof was in the words she had written after her first session.

  * _All those things I didn’t say; wrecking balls inside my brain; I will scream them loud tonight_


  * _This is my fight song; take back my life song_


  * _Starting right now I’ll be strong_


  * _I don’t really care if nobody else believes in me; cause I’ve still got a lot of fight left in me._



Beca knew she had a song with those four lines, so here she sits at the piano trying to figure out what else she has to say. She played around with the keys on the piano for a few hours, jotting down notes and chords and progressions. She was so lost in the song that she didn’t hear Jessie come in her home studio. She was pulled from her mind when his strong hands wrapped around her neck and he softly kissed the side of her head. She smiled and leaned into the embrace. She put her stuff away and followed her husband to bed.

Beca knew things in her marriage had been off, even before ‘that night’ happened with Chloe. She knew that she was withdrawn and not giving everything she could to the marriage. She was just stumbling through life. It had been like that for a few years before Chloe even came into Beca’s life. She’d get up, go to work, sometimes come home in time to cook dinner for one or two depending on if Jessie was working overnight or not, but when they both were home, they would eat in relative silence except for the mundane conversation on how their days went. After dinner, she’d clean the kitchen and then she and Jessie would sit and watch TV for a short time until she called it a night. Sometimes they would go to bed together, other nights one would go to bed alone.

Their sex life had been routine as well. Nothing out of the ordinary, the sparks had long been gone. Beca would just go through the motions and though she would never admit it, sometimes she would think of one of her celebrity crushes to get through. But then Chloe came along and lit something in Beca that she had long forgotten about. Chloe actually made Beca feel again, feel alive, feel important, feel safe. So Beca focused on that, focused on her friendship with Chloe and building it and sustaining it. She focused so much on the redhead, that she started forgetting about herself. She forgot that even though she was happy when in the company of or talking to the redhead, that she wasn’t happy in her life. She didn’t realize it until it was too late, but she used Chloe. She used Chloe to escape from the mundane existence that was her life.

_ “I can’t believe you got us tickets for this,” Chloe squealed as she and Beca made their way through the streets of downtown. “Like, seriously Beca, this is amazing!” _

_ Beca smiled at the beaming redhead, “It is amazing, I’m just glad she came close enough to where we could go see her!” _

_ The pair walked down the street towards the hall where the event was taking place. Their favorite actress had just published her first book and had a tour stop just 15 minutes away from where Beca lived. Needless to say, the day the tickets went on sale, Beca had cleared her calendar and bought the tickets for her and Chloe.  _

_ Chloe couldn’t contain her excitement as the pair walked down the street, it was like she was bouncing. The conversation flowed between the two, everything felt and seemed completely normal for them. They talked, laughed and speculated about how far back they were going to have to sit since Chloe was late getting to Beca’s.  _

_ Once at the hall, the pair found seats and checked out their signed book. They chatted about how they were about to be in the same room as their favorite actress, posted photos to social media and texted a few others that weren’t there.  _

_ As they sat listening to the star talk about the book and make the audience laugh, it was time for the Q&A portion of the talk. Beca leaned over to Chloe, “I wonder if they are going to read my question.”  _

_ Chloe shrugged and stated, “I hope so, it was a good one.” _

_ They turned their attention back to the stage and as the host got done with her question, she flipped to the next card, “Okay the next question comes from Beca, she wants to know “If you could tell 12 year old you anything about life, what would it be?” _

_ Beca freaked, she turned to Chloe and the redhead had a face splitting smile on her face. She couldn’t speak, she’s pretty sure she blacked out when the star answered her question. Mentally scolding herself once they had moved on to the next question, Beca didn’t think to bring her phone up to video the whole interaction.  _

_ After the event, the pair made their way to dinner at this cute little sushi restaurant a few blocks away. They dined and chatted and enjoyed each other’s company for a little while longer. The drinks flowed and they decided to head back to Beca’s for a few more drinks. _

_ Beca knew a talk needed to happen. So much had gone unsaid, so much needed to be said. She just didn’t know HOW to say it. She sat beside Chloe on the couch, but she couldn’t look at Chloe. She turned to face the wall, her back to Chloe, words failing her. Only scoffs and sighs could be heard in the room.  _

_ “I don’t…ugh…I know this needs to be said,” Beca stumbled and pulled her hands down her face. “I…ugh...please don’t make me say it,” Beca pleaded with Chloe, pleaded with herself, while the redhead just sat quietly. Beca turned her head to look at Chloe, she noticed that Chloe too had sat at an angle, not facing Beca. Chloe gave Beca the time she needed, she didn’t push, she knew the girl was struggling to say whatever it was she needed to say.  _

_ Beca knew Chloe knew what was going to come out of her mouth. They had discussed it, albeit vaguely, before. Beca asked Chloe to not make her say it over text because she wasn’t ready, Chloe being the supportive person that she is, just asked that Beca promise to tell her one day, when she was ready. Beca couldn’t deny this to her friend, so she agreed. She said that she will tell her one day, when they were face to face. Because this needed to be said face to face; Beca needed to see Chloe’s face when this little fact was revealed.  _

_ Beca threw herself back into the couch cushions with a huff, “I really don’t know why this is so hard to say, you have a very good idea what I’m trying to get out.” Chloe nodded, but remained silent. She knew this was something Beca needed to work out on her own, in her own time. She knew that Beca would get it out eventually. _

_ “Ah fuck it…” Beca grunted and took a deep breath. “I…” Beca ran her hands through her hair, her heart was racing, why was this so hard to do, another deep breath, “I…I think I’m…” another deep breath, “I think I’m developing feelings for you.” She finally got out after what seemed like forever. She turned her head to look at the redhead’s back. She noticed Chloe take a deep breath, but wouldn’t look at her. Chloe did turn her head, her face was unreadable to Beca.  _

_ Chloe took in a deep breath of her own, “I..” she paused, “I don’t know what to say.” It was almost a whisper, but Beca heard it. _

_ “There isn’t really much to say,” Beca said with a small laugh, “I mean, I know nothing can come of it. You are with Tom, I’m with Jesse. I just know that I can’t lose you.” Beca was full on rambling now. “I know you can’t give me what I want, but I know you can give me what I need. And that is the most spectacular friendship that I’ve EVER had with anyone. I can’t lose that.” Beca’s voice was almost pleading. _

_ Chloe hadn’t really said much, and Beca’s mind was a whirlwind after admitting that to her, that if asked, she couldn’t recall anything else the redhead had to say.  _

_ “Can you look me in the eyes and tell me we are okay?” Beca pleaded. _

_ Chloe turned, her bright blue eyes met Beca’s stormy blues, “We are good, I’m not going anywhere.” She said that gently and Beca believed her, Beca knew that Chloe could have run at any point since ‘that night’, but she had stayed.  _

_ They talked for a little while longer until Beca looked at the time. It was almost midnight and they both had to work in the morning. Beca walked Chloe to the door and they hugged and said their goodbyes. Beca watched Chloe walk out the door and then turned to shut it and walked back to the couch. Her mind plagued with the thoughts of royally screwing up by admitting that to Chloe.  _

The therapist had somehow worked her magic and was able to get Beca to forgive herself for what had happened between the pair. Beca knew that what happened between Chloe and her had been a mistake, even with neither one of them regretted the fact that it happened. Therapy had also helped Beca realize that everything that happened in those months prior to Chloe walking away wasn’t what Beca thought it was.

Beca wanted to reach out to Chloe, wanted to tell her that the feelings she, and Chloe, thought Beca had weren’t really what they thought they were. Yeah, it confused Beca in the beginning as well.

After her first therapy session, Beca had come to the realization that what she thought she was feeling was actually misplaced. She took the feelings that ‘that night’ brought up and placed them on Chloe. She thought that she was developing feelings for Chloe, when it was actually something completely different. Beca actually fell for the moment, not the girl. She was lacking the intimacy in her relationship with Jesse that when it happened with Chloe, she got so wrapped up in the fact that she felt emotionally connected to someone that she thought it was for Chloe. She fell for the emotional pull towards something that she had long forgotten how to feel. It was never Chloe, it was the feelings that Chloe uncovered. Beca’s therapist had gotten Beca to realize that when she was with Chloe, there were no butterflies, no bumbling ineptitude, just comfort and ease. During her session, Beca realized the reason she was having such a hard time telling Chloe her feelings that night, it wasn’t because Beca secretly was afraid of how Chloe would react. It was because it didn’t feel right. Now, Beca will admit that at that moment in time, everything she said and everything she felt during that talk, she truly believed. It wasn’t until Chloe walked away that Beca was able to step back and really look at the situation.

_ Beca sat in front of her computer in her studio, her mind swimming. She couldn’t get the thoughts to stop. It had been a few weeks since she and Chloe had had their talk. Things were different, it felt weird. Beca’s life felt foreign to her. She couldn’t get out of her head, she couldn’t stop overthinking everything. She was slowly driving herself insane. She needed to get it out. She needed to just let everything out in her brain and the only way she knew how to do that was to just type. Songs weren’t going to quiet the madness, so she just opened up a Word document and began typing.  _

_ An hour and a half later, tears still streaming down her face, she looked at what she had written. It was long, it was dark, it was broken. But it was Beca. It was her soul laid bare on a piece of paper on her computer screen.  _

_ She began to read back through what she typed. She hadn’t thought when typing, she just typed.  _

**_Ever feel like you are going crazy in your own skin? How every little thought you have, no matter how insignificant it feels, turns into a raging storm inside your brain. Ever wonder why you overthink things so badly that even the reassurances can’t help. How when you look at yourself in the mirror all you see are the failures and regrets. How the tears seem to just flow now a days instead of staying put. Waking up each morning is a chore because you just know the life you have to face isn’t the one you want. It’s nowhere near it. It’s broken, you are broken, and it sucks. You can’t see the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel, and when you think you finally are seeing it…the light is attached to a train. It flattens you. It piles on one more thing to your already heavy stack. You can’t see a way out. The way that you constantly consider, isn’t an option. You aren’t that strong, or that weak to go through with it. You just sit, wait, and wish that things would hurry up and change. Yet, you don’t like change. Change has never been a good thing in your life. You wish you could run, leave it all behind, but what if this is as good as it gets. What if the life you are leading right now, is the pinnacle of where you are going. That everything else, from here on out, is downhill. How can you feel at the bottom of a pit, yet feel like there is so much further you are going to have to fall. You wait for your ‘pot of gold’ and realize that you aren’t that lucky to be able to find it. Even when you think you do, you don’t. The life you long for, may not even been that pot of gold. But you sure as hell know that the life you are in is a far cry from a pot of gold. Yet, you sit and wonder what it is about you that makes you so repulsive and so unloveable that you begin to think that you might as well enjoy this ‘non-pot of gold’ life because it’s probably the best you will get. And yet again, you can’t enjoy it because it brings so much pain and misery. It’s sad to think that this is the best you will ever get. You had love, yet it has slipped from your fingers. The life you dreamt of, no longer exists. The life you long for, is just a dream. You can’t see past today. You can’t help but feel this weight on your chest that is crushing you. Crushing your desires, crushing your will, crushing your everything until there is no part of you that you recognize anymore. But then you walk away from it, albeit briefly, and you feel free. You feel happy, you don’t even think about the crushing weight or the life you actually have to return to. All you think about is the right here, right now. You laugh, you drink, you just enjoy breathing again. But then you slog back to the life that is yours, away from the hiatus, and get smacked in the face again with how miserable you are. The tears flow, one thing piles on top of the other and the crushing weight is back. The desire to run has grown exponentially. But your feet are planted in concrete. You are bound and even though you are miserable, you stay. You try to sleep more and more because it’s better than having to be present. Your dreams don’t come as often because you don’t want to bring the marred life you live when awake into your slumber. You sleep to feel peace. You sleep to keep the pain at bay. You sleep because you know that it’s as close to dying as you will get by your own hands. You wonder where the fuck you went wrong. What you did to piss off God, the universe and every microcosm on this earth…for them to throw test after test at you but don’t give you the power to combat things. You have tried giving it to God, to letting go and let Him bear the burden, yet you feel the yolk you gave Him has come back tenfold and has only gotten tighter around your neck. You can’t breathe, you can’t stop the tears, you can’t stop the pit in your stomach from growing into an abyss. All you can do is stand there, take the beating and wonder if this is your life for the rest of your life. You wonder why you can’t be happy, why everything seems to conspire against you and the happiness you seek. You can’t see the forest for the trees right now. You know deep down that things won’t always be this way…that eventually you should, hopefully, possibly, find your happy ending. But your patience runs thin, if not run out completely. Instant gratification is not the enemy that you once thought it to be. You know, in the depths of your brain the feelings you are dealing with, the angst, the anxiety, the sadness, the hurt, the guilt, you know they are not forever. Even though it feels like it and has felt like it for as long as you can remember. But your heart is broken, the one thing that can out power your brain is running on fumes. It’s been beaten, run through the ringer and yet, it still pumps. It still gives you hope, yet yells at you that you aren’t worthy enough. You treat others the way you want to be treated, yet you don’t get the same treatment. You don’t have people going out of their way to make you happy, to put a smile on your face, you don’t have anyone that treats you the way you treat them. You are needy, but yet you do your best to hide that part because who the fuck wants to be around constant neediness. Who could see all of your flaws and stay? Who could ever love your broken self because there isn’t anyone that has ever shown that they are willing to try? That they will stick with you through the storms of life and make you feel special while doing it. So why show that part of you, when all it will do is lead to more heartbreak. You put on a smile, you try to act like you are fine, but you aren’t. Yet, you never truly show the true you because it is horrid. It is needy and it needs constant validation that you are fucking good enough…but you don’t show that because who the fuck wants to deal with that all the time. Who wants to be around, communicate or even think about the Debbiest of downers? People come and go, people claim they will stick by you but you’ve been told that enough and have yet to see the effort so why start believing now, even when you so desperately want to. That voice in your head keeps saying that they will eventually leave, if they ever see the real you, they all do. It’s happened before and it sure as hell will happen again. The real you is unlovable, unworthy of having anyone come and take a seat and get the true you. The real you is dark and scary, the real you has a complex, the real you has insecurities that abound and make you fearful. The real you wants to trust, wants to believe that there is that one person out there that will do for you what you do for others. But the real you also knows that you are nobody. You’ve tried showing the real you to a select few and even though they are accepting of what you have shown, you fear that you will soon drive them away because it’s what you do. Your level of crazy isn’t a level that many want to or can deal with. So you wonder why even bother. Why put yourself out there to be broken down again. All you want is to be loved, to be shown that you are actually worth it. That you are someone that can be the first thought in someone’s head in the morning and the last one at night. You want someone to fight for you the way you fight for others. You want to be shown that you actually fucking matter in a world that makes you feel nothing short of a pariah. You crave a level of intimacy that isn’t physical, but that is emotional. You want to connect with a person in a way that you’ve never experienced before. You want love like dogs give their owners. You want someone to just be able to look at you or talk to you and know in an instant something is wrong or extremely right. But you also know that it is a heavy burden to want all of this from one person. So again, you are stuck, stuck in your own brain, wanting things that are unrealistic. Your self-doubt creeps back to the forefront of your mind. Your self-loathing over takes the rational part of your brain. Your insecurities smack you in the face and tell you that it will never happen. And you are back on the roller coaster of miserableness. You try to not burden people with your shit, you try to pretend everything is okay when all you want is for someone to hug you and tell you that will all be okay and that they are going to weather the storm with you. You don’t feel like you can voice things without showing your neediness, without revealing that you are hurt, broken and irreparably damaged. You want to be whole but you fear it’ll never happen. You want to be loved, but how could you be when you are unlovable. You want to quiet the self-doubt, the self-loathing, but when you don’t have a reason to, the voices only grow louder. So you sit, alone, sometimes in the dark, sometimes in the shower, or even right now, in broad day light and cry. Cry because you are getting out thoughts and things that you have bottled up. You don’t know when the tears started, you don’t know when they will stop. You don’t know a lot of things about life right now and who knows if you ever will start knowing more. All you know is that you hurt, deeply. You want to be alone, yet are lonely. You just want someone to make a fucking effort for you. Someone to take the time to make you smile, to go out of their way to bring just one iota of happiness in your life. Some can do those things without trying, just by being who they are, but when they go above and beyond just being them to make you smile, to try to make you happy, that’s when you know you have found a true friend, a true human being that actually gives two shits about you. But again, you don’t have that. You don’t have people to do those little things you crave. Who knows if you ever will. Maybe being alone is what you are destined to be. Maybe you should get used to the idea that the dreams/fantasies you have concocted in your brain are just going to stay there and drive you mad._ **

**_Maybe you’re so unlovable that you can’t even love yourself. If you can’t love yourself how the fuck can anyone else love you……………._ **

_ Beca wiped the tears from her eyes, she didn’t know how long she had been staring at the computer screen and she lost count of how many times she re-read those words. She sighed and went to open her email program. _

**_To:_** ** _chloebeale519_** **_From:_** ** _bmitchell47_**

**_Attach: streamofconciousness.docx_ **

**_So, just to clue you in a little on what has been going on in my brain, I’m attaching the words that have been rattling around in my brain for a while now. It may help give you a little idea how truly and utterly fucked up I am. Now, it isn’t pretty, it is actually dark…so yeah…_ **

**_Text me later._ **

_ With that, Beca hit send. She slumped back in her chair and spun around to look out the window overlooking the city skyline. She knew she needed to make Chloe see how dark her life had gotten. Beca was scared though; she didn’t know how this ray of sunshine was going to take this dark cloud Beca just sent into her life. Beca could only hope that Chloe would be willing to help her work through things.  _

_ Later that night Chloe texted Beca and said that she had been so busy at work that she hadn’t gotten a chance to read the whole thing, but she would when she got home. Beca played it off like it was no big deal, I mean, who was she to think that Chloe would be able to read it all while at work. It was a lot to take in.  _

_ A few days went by and Chloe never brought up the email to Beca again. Beca mentioned it in passing only to get a “oh yeah, I haven’t gotten around to that” response back. Beca began to feel defeated. If Chloe wasn’t willing to see the dark parts of her soul, then what did that mean for Beca? Beca finally stopped bringing it up.  _

_ It had been a week, Chloe told Beca one Sunday afternoon that she wasn’t feeling good and that she just didn’t want to deal with anyone that day. So Beca left her alone, only sending random texts periodically to hopefully make the redhead smile.  _

_ A few days had passed and Beca still hadn’t heard anything from Chloe. She began to worry. She texted Chloe and received no response. By the end of the week, Beca was on full on panic mode. Beca shot her a text basically asking Chloe if her silence was because of her and if so, to please let her know so she could fix it. Nothing. Finally that Saturday afternoon, Beca sent Chloe a pleading text, asking that if their friendship was over for her to say so. Beca needed to know so if it was the end of the road for them, she needed to start working on moving on and not being stuck in this limbo that Chloe had put her in.  _

_ Sunday afternoon arrived and Beca still hadn’t heard from Chloe. She finally sent her a text asking a random question about something with work and that’s when Beca’s world came crashing down. Beca skimmed the lengthy text, phrases like “I know this isn’t what you wanted to hear”, “it’s unhealthy”, “we can’t do this anymore”, were the only things that stuck out in Beca’s mind. She couldn’t process it, but she knew that Chloe was right. She texted that she agreed with her, it was unhealthy. She apologized and when Chloe didn’t slam the door shut completely on one day trying to be friends again, Beca was grateful.  _

_ Beca sat in front of her computer. It has been three days since Chloe sent her that text and left her life. It has been three days since Chloe said they couldn’t do this anymore. Beca had been able to process what happened that afternoon. Chloe had her say, Beca felt like it was her turn to let the redhead know her thoughts.  _

**_To:_** ** _chloebeale519_** **_From:_** ** _bmitchell47_**

**_Good morning Chloe…_ **

**_I know I probably shouldn’t be writing, but you had a week to think about things before letting me know how you were feeling and now that I’ve had a few days to think about what you said, I felt like I owed you more than just the “I’m sorry” that was sent over text. I am not expecting a response and I promise I won’t be emailing you randomly either…I just need to be able to express some things now that the shock of everything that happened has somewhat worn off. So please, if you are still reading this…hear me out._ **

**_First and foremost…the biggest I’m sorry that you need to hear (or at least I need to say) is for the way that I, unintentionally, made you feel. I never wanted to put you in the position to feel uncomfortable to talk to me or being around me. I never thought about some of the things I said to you, because, well I was just telling you the truth. It really never occurred to me that some of the things I was saying were things people in relationships say. Nearly every day I call one or two of my co-workers “dear” or “honey”…not even thinking that those are things I say to Jesse as well. I never gave a second thought to calling you beautiful because I do that to others as well…and that is because, when my friend Stacie calls and the first thing out of her mouth is “hey beautiful” or “hey gorgeous” when I answer the phone, I know the smile it puts on my face and so I wanted to make you (as well as the others) smile like that._ **

**_But, like I said, I’m sorry from the depths of my soul, that I made you feel that way…I’ll do my damnedest to never do that again, when given the chance to be a part of your life again._ **

**_So Chloe, please accept my apologies and know that I never meant for things to get this way. I never wanted to basically force you to walk away. I get why you did it and you can tell me it isn’t my fault all you want, but I know it is. I was the one that made you uncomfortable, I was the one that basically didn’t want to share, I was the one that brought this relationship to an unhealthy level. But I’m going to be the one to turn things around and hopefully one day, earn the right, privilege and honor to be able to call you friend again. And this “blame” is going to be the fuel that I need to do just that…to work to better myself so that when we eventually “meet again”, you will know this didn’t happen in vane…and this was just what I needed to get my ass in gear to find “me” again._ **

**_Secondly, as hard (especially when I saw you unfriended me on all social media) and sad (because I truly miss talking to you) as it has been for me to let our friendship go, it honestly was the best possible scenario, at the time._ **

**_Not only for you, but for me. You were 100% right in that it had become unhealthy…toxic even. The last month or two really fucked with my head and I wasn’t strong enough to walk away because I was so scared to lose you forever. I thought about it…but just couldn’t because I didn’t want to cut the cord and risk never having you in my life again. But I’m grateful to you and for you being strong enough to actually cut the cord. Now, you were and never will be a burden in my life, but after we talked that Saturday…there was this unknown weight that was lifted off of my chest. I can’t explain it, but maybe it was relief? I can’t say I didn’t feel like I wasn’t good enough to be your friend anymore…but the longer and further I step back, I know that isn’t the case. I see what you did as telling me that we both are good enough for this friendship, but only when it is healthy._ **

**_Now, I’m not expecting this to be the start of us mending and redeveloping our friendship…there is still a lot of work, especially on my part, to be done. But Chloe, as much as this reevaluation was needed, I’m not giving up on the hope that one day we will be able to start getting reacquainted with each other and become friends again. I would still very much like to be there when say you say “I do” to Tom. I want to see pictures of your first child together. I honestly believe one day, we can get there._ **

**_You’ve shown me some of the areas in me that I need to work on, not just to become friends with you again…but in life in general. After that night, I became so wrapped up in the fact that I felt emotionally connected to someone and wanted, that I started living life in a fantasy of what I wanted life to be like…not in what it actually was. I sent you a song lyric “Don’t fall in love with the moment and think you’re in love with the girl” a little while back and that’s exactly what I had done. Now, let me be clear…I never fell in love with you, Chloe. I fell for the intimacy of that night, the emotional pull towards something that I had long forgotten how to feel. And I honestly think that made me think I had these feelings for you that actually weren’t really there. Now, I’m not just saying that to start mending things…but I honestly believe it. You remember how I was when I was even approaching that pizza place when I thought Ashley was working…and how I was when she was working and we were in the same vicinity…the butterflies and the bumbling ineptitudeness? Those never happened when we were together. And I think that’s why I dreaded having that “talk” with you after dinner and why it was so hard for me to actually get those words out…it wasn’t because of how you’d react, it was because it didn’t feel right…but I said what I did because, at that moment in time, I believed what I said…in the lyrics I showed you. But, in reality, I don’t think I ever fell for you…I am pretty sure I fell for how I felt that night…I just never realized it until I took a good hard look at myself and where my head was since our talk that Sunday and even talking it out in therapy._ **

**_After we stopped talking, I also realized that I had neglected friendships because I was so focused on you and your friendship. How the fuck did you not die because of my smothering? Seriously, I think back and wow…I’m not really sure how you lasted this long…but anyway. And I forgot to say I’m sorry for dumping all of my shit onto you with Jesse. It really was selfish of me because yes, you were my friend…but you weren’t my therapist. It shouldn’t have been a burden for you to bear to have to listen to me always bitch and complain about how fucked up my life was/is. This is an area that I’ve been working on and now that I’m in therapy, will drastically change…_ **

**_I can see that therapy will be extremely helpful in getting me back to “me”…the “me” you initially met on January 13th, 2016 or even the me that had long been forgotten, I’m not sure what version of me the therapy will uncover, I just know she will be better than the “me” you had to endure the past few weeks. I’m not perfect, won’t ever claim to be…but I’m not the crazy I became either._ **

**_I’ve got to prove to myself, first and foremost, that I’m where I need to be before I can reach out to you with the hopes of becoming friends again. I will then need to prove to you, that the only emotion that you are involved with is friendship and nothing more. But, Chloe, my door is always open to you, if you feel the need/desire/want to reach out to me… please do. I promise that I won’t push for more unless you tell me you are ready for that and I feel I’m ready for that. I just don’t want to get down the line and wonder if my reaching out will be a bother to you, or if you have already forgotten about me. And whenever I do finally reach back out to you, and you aren’t ready, please be honest with me about it. I should be in a place where you won’t get a reaction out of me like you have been dealing with._ **

**_I’ve said it before Chloe, you and your friendship mean a lot to me. There are only a few people that I can be as honest, open, and feel so safe with, as I had been with you. That means the world to me…and even with the time that has passed since we last spoke, that hasn’t changed. I still have things happen or see things that I want to share with you…I pick up my phone, only to put it down again knowing now is not the time. Like seriously, it was so hard for me not to text you last night…I don’t know that that will change. Except for that text a few weeks ago…yeeeeaaaah sorry about that…I had been drinking and clicked the wrong message thread (yours was under the one I meant to click on) and didn’t realize it until the second after I hit send…whoops! I immediately deleted your thread so that I wouldn’t do that again!_ **

**_So, I write all of that to say this…Thank you. Thank you for caring enough about me (and yourself) to stop the downward spiral that we were on. Thank you for being strong enough to walk away but not shutting the door entirely. Thank you for helping me see that things were not okay, even when I wanted to pretend that they were. Thank you for forcing me into a place where I could finally come out of the darkness. Thank you for wanting better for our friendship than what we were._ **

**_I do love you Chloe…like I love Stacie, Amy, Cynthia, and Flo…like I love my family. Believe it or not but you are family to me Chlo, there isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for you if you asked (and it was moral and legal ;) lol). And it’s because of that I’m going to do everything in my power to continue to fix me…and not just for you…but for them as well. No one deserves to deal with the me that had surfaced again, the one I thought I buried years ago. I deserve to finally love myself the way I love you guys…and I’ll get there. Slowly but surely…one baby step in front of the other…looking forward, not looking back._ **

**_Please don’t give up on me…you’ll see…this is the best thing that could have ever happened to us. I firmly believe that we will eventually have a stronger friendship because all of this happened and we were able to move past it and become better people because of it._ **

_ Beca hit send. She didn’t know if the email will ever get read but she knew she’d never get a response. _

Beca went back to her piano and pulled out the notes from the lyrics she had written. Jesse was working late again tonight and she figured that now would be a good time to work on what she is now dubbing, ‘her fight song’.

Her fingers glided across the keys as she hummed the words. After a few hours, the song was coming close to being finished. She put the notebook back on top of the piano and took out some blank sheet music. She began to score the song as she went through the notes on the piano.

Once complete, Beca played through the song she began to sing along with the melody.

 

Like a small boat

On the ocean

Sending big waves

Into motion

Like how a single word

Can make a heart open

I might only have one match

But I can make an explosion

And all those things

I didn't say

Wrecking balls inside my brain

I will scream them loud tonight

Can you hear my voice this time?

This is my fight song

Take back my life song

Prove I'm alright song

My power's turned on

Starting right now I'll be strong

I'll play my fight song

And I don't really care if nobody else believes

'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me

Losing friends and I'm chasing sleep

Everybody's worried about me

In too deep

Say I'm in too deep (in too deep)

And it's been two years

I miss my home

But there's a fire burning in my bones

Still believe

Yeah, I still believe

And all those things

I didn't say

Wrecking balls inside my brain

I will scream them loud tonight

Can you hear my voice this time?

This is my fight song

Take back my life song

Prove I'm alright song

My power's turned on

Starting right now I'll be strong

I'll play my fight song

And I don't really care if nobody else believes

'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me

A lot of fight left in me

Like a small boat

On the ocean

Sending big waves

Into motion

Like how a single word

Can make a heart open

I might only have one match

But I can make an explosion

This is my fight song (Hey!)

Take back my life song (Hey!)

Prove I'm alright song (Hey!)

My power's turned on

Starting right now I'll be strong (I'll be strong)

I'll play my fight song

And I don't really care if nobody else believes

'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me

No I've still got a lot of fight left in me

She was so lost in the power she was putting behind the song, she failed to hear her phone chime with an incoming email. Once Beca was done singing and was satisfied with everything, she placed the fallboard back down over the keys and picked up her phone.

Much to her surprise, there was an email from Chloe.

**To:** **bmitchell47** **From:** **chloebeale519**

**I know it’s late but if you’re up text me…**

Beca looked at the time on the phone, almost 2:00am. She went back to the email, it was sent at 10:11pm. Beca stared at her phone, she didn’t know what to do. So she placed the phone down on the piano bench and went to get ready for bed.

Once she was done, she went back to her phone and lightly tapped it on her chin. Should she really text her? What did she want? Beca’s heart raced. It had been months since she had heard from the redhead. Still, she was hesitant to respond. Not knowing what Chloe wanted made her close out of her email program and go to her messaging app. She typed in Chloe’s contact name and laughed at the fact she still hadn’t changed it from “Smalls” in her phone. Chloe thought it was funny when Beca kept saying “You’re killing me, Smalls” to her, even though Beca was the one that was the smaller of the two. So Beca thought it would be fun to have that as Chloe’s contact in her phone.

**Beca (1:58am): Just got your email…what’s up?**

**Smalls (3:42am): I’m sorry. I was drinking tonight and idk what I was doing**

**Beca (7:52am): OK**

Beca was confused. She had fallen asleep shortly after sending the text because, well, she didn’t really think she’d hear back from Chloe. She didn’t hear the phone go off with her response and was dumbfounded when she read it. She couldn’t think of anything else to say besides “ok”, and once she sent it, she knew she wouldn’t hear anything back. And she was right.

But still, why did she contact her after months of nothing, no responses to Beca’s email or even the few texts she sent. What was she thinking when she made the effort to go into her email program, type out her email, type the message and hit send. Why did she email instead of text.

Beca then realized that the redhead must have deleted her number out of her phone. That could be the only reason why she emailed instead of texted. She can’t really blame Chloe. After the last text Beca sent Chloe, she informed Stacie of what she had done and Stacie had Beca send her Chloe’s number to hold on to and made Beca delete it out of her phone. The only reason she was able to text Chloe that morning was because her number was still in Stacie’s text thread.

Beca decided after talking with Stacie about it, that this would be one of those times in life where the action would stay just where it was, in the past. She wasn’t going to dwell on it; she wasn’t going to over think it, because heaven knows she really  _ really _ wanted to. Stacie was proud of her; she said that if that decision wasn’t progress, she didn’t know what was.

_ “FUCK YOU!” Beca screamed into the night from her balcony. _

_ She had gotten an email from Chloe earlier that day. She read it while walking from the sandwich shop back to her studio. It was long, it made Beca feel like shit. Chloe was basically telling her that everything Beca had felt and worried over was wrong. Chloe couldn’t figure out what she wanted. Chloe didn’t blame Beca, in fact Chloe basically told Beca that she was going to focus on Tom and her life with him.  _

_ Hours after receiving the email, Beca doesn’t remember exactly what was said. She did respond though, because Chloe needed to know that she still cared. But Chloe ended it curtly and when all Beca could do was respond with 2 final words, Beca deleted all traces of the email.  _

_ Beca went to her phone and deleted everything in it that reminded her of Chloe, her pictures, she deleted her email address, she blocked her on social media even though Chloe had already done that to her. Beca tried to delete everything about Chloe from her life.  _

_ Beca couldn’t keep on doing this to herself. She needed to move on. She needed to let go of Chloe and any hopes she had of them working things out. She needed to heal. _

It’s been 10 months now since Chloe walked out of Beca’s life. Beca had finally gotten to the point where she was finally able to tolerate her life. She had split from Jessie because she finally acknowledged and accepted that she was, in fact, gay.

She was taking control of her life and living it the way she wanted to. Not the way people expected her to. Not the way she thought, two years ago, that she would. She never imagined the freeing feeling she would have when she finally took the chains of living a lie off of her shoulders and from around her neck.

She was making new friends. She was meeting women and enjoying the time they spent together. She hadn’t yet jumped into a relationship with any of them. She wanted to foster that friendship first.

Beca was still in therapy and was really starting to work her way back to “normal”. Whatever normal was.

Beca had started to make plans. She was going to travel. Take a few months and head overseas to reset her life. She had her friend in Spain that she was going to go visit. And then she’d end up in Norway visiting another friend. She had no itinerary or plans to make one. She just had a loop she planned to do and she would come and go as she pleased while on this trip. She hadn’t decided when this trip would take place, she just knew that it would. She was starting to realize that all she wanted to do now-a-days was travel. She still produced music. She doesn’t know if she will ever be able to stop doing that. But traveling was under her skin now.

Then Jess came along. She didn’t know what it was about this woman that drew her to her instantly. Of course, it started with physical attraction. But it developed into more. The more they talked, the more Beca realized they wanted a lot of the same things out of life and love. They had the same sense of humor, they even started having inside jokes. Everything was new with Jess. She hadn’t been in Beca’s life but for a few months, but it felt right. Their friendship was not filled with the sexual tension or weight of any expectations. They just simply were. They hung out and everything felt normal. Beca finally started feeling normal again.

With Jess, Beca could be her gay self. She could check out women and she could outwardly laugh at lesbian jokes and share stupid stuff with her. Beca hadn’t yet fully come out to those around her. A few close friends and some family members knew, but she wasn’t ready to make the statement to the world. It just wasn’t the time. But with Jess, that was okay. Jess got it. She herself, hadn’t been out but for a few years.

Even though Jess is eight years younger than Beca, Jess understood what it was like for Beca and the things Beca had gone through. Beca had told her about Chloe and how fucked up she had become. Beca confided in Jess that she didn’t know if Chloe was to ever come back in her life, if she would be able to welcome her back. Beca didn’t know if she could trust Chloe again. Chloe had cut her deep and she was finally in a place where she didn’t think of Chloe constantly.

Yeah, there were songs that made Beca think of Chloe. That was inevitable since music was such a strong bond between them. But the thoughts of Chloe went from hourly, to daily, to every few days, to now, Beca could go weeks without thinking of Chloe.

But tonight, Beca finds herself in front of her piano again, lyrics that had once been forgotten, dusted off and sitting in front of her as she tried to piece together a melody that fit.

She grabbed the bottle of water that was sitting on the coaster atop the piano and took a long swig of the cold liquid. She stared at the blank sheet music in front of her and then glanced over the lyrics.

She knew this was it, the final chapter of her story; the way to finally close the book and get on with her life. This was about her starting to move on again. Beca knew that she would never truly be able to get Chloe out of her mind. Beca knew that if Chloe were to reach out, that it may take some time, but Beca knows that she would at least hear her out.

Beca didn’t know if Chloe deserved to have her still be willing to do that, but Beca knows herself and as much as she can say “fuck her,” Chloe would always have a part of her.

That’s when it hit Beca, the missing part of the lyrics in front of her. She started scribbling down the words, she rearranged things and after an hour or so Beca looked down at the work in front of her and was finally happy with the outcome.

She placed the notes beside her water bottle and then moved her fingers over the keys; she didn’t think, she just played. The music just flowed out of tips of her fingers.

Once Beca was satisfied with what she just played, she began to score it on the sheets in front of her.

Finally putting her pen down, she looked over the sheet music and the lyrics and began to play. Once she got through the intro, she began singing.

 

Home time, I'm getting ready for a long night

They say you never miss it 'til it's gone

Well you're gone and I wish I'd done it better

Mostly I miss having you close to me

The only one who really ever knows me

And I'm sorry, I promise I'll do better, better

There's a hole in the middle of my heart again

Can we start again, can we start again

There's a hole in the middle and it never mends

It never mends, can we start again

Some nights, I kid myself I treated you right

Lying to myself, I didn't know

If I'm honest, I could've done it better

You said we had it pretty much perfect

And then you told me that you loved me

But you're sorry, you needed something better, better

So I guess I'm gonna let you go

But you get to keep a little bit of my soul

So I guess I'm gonna write you out

But I don't think I can do it to me right now

Let's pretend that time heals all

There's a hole in the middle of my heart again

But I'm not afraid to start, again

Start again, I'm gonna start again

There's a hole in the middle and it never mends

It never mends

But I've gotta try to start again

 

Beca finished the last note and softly closed the fallboard. She let out a deep sigh and finally was able to let go.

 


End file.
